Today, The Jackal was having a ruff afternoon. He couldn’t do even the simplest task. He wanted to work but couldn’t bring the work into focus. His attention span lasted maybe 30 seconds before any thought became too difficult to imagine.
Thus, The Jackal did begin to despair. Instead of the happy sugar plum fairies of the Christmas season dancing around his head, he had Suicide Fairies. You know, the evil little monsters that tell you that offing yourself will be easier than sticking around to write blog post about how much Suicide Fairies suck. The Jackal thinks those little bastards are pretty self-absorbed. It’s not very nice to ask someone to die simply to save you some bad PR. For those who hadn’t suffered through an eye watering marketing class, PR is Public Relations. (Note to all canines, less is more with cologne. Vulpines, it’s a lost cause, don’t even bother.)
In this afternoon of woe, The Jackal decided to do what he does best and walk away. Just from his desk, not from anything important like jobs, life, or delicious grilled meats. The sidewalk outside his work is well maintained and full of trees that are green when it’s not winter.
The Suicide Fairies delighted. Play in traffic they said. The Jackal ignored them and waited for the cars to pass. Polite jackals do not inconvenience other people by splattering themselves on other people’s windshields. The fairies coincided this was true and let him be for the moment.
Thus, He trotted up and down the sidewalk. It’s a peaceful path filled with positive energy. Like most things, it’s also slippery when covered with mud or wet leaves. He brought to bear his most fearsome and powerful weapon in his arsenal against fairies: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. They shuddered in horror and then redoubled their attacks!
The Jackal searched his mind for the answer to the current infestation of malicious fey. Yes, he had been up far too late reading Tom Clancy’s Clear and Present Danger. (Be like Cutter! Find a Bus! The fairies cried.) Yes, he had done no useful writing the previous day. (You will never be a writer!) These were all things that bothered The Jackal. (There’s a car, die already!) Their siren call had surely brought one or two of these monsters. But surely not an entire hoard.
The Jackal thought harder. He had been eating well enough. He had taken his medication on time. He had done his Morning Pages. He had eaten breakfast and drank plenty of water. He had told himself he was a good jackal who was an expert in his field and capable of a great many other things, a Jackal of One and Many Trades as it were. He had done all of his preventative self-care… well most of it. The Jackal prefers to do his showering and extracurricular activities1 in the evening. But alas, The Jackal had no answers.
He returned to his desk in defeat. Perhaps he could just ignore the fairies. It was hours until he could reach home and cry without anyone knowing his torment. He reached for another tool, meditation. This one could possibly stave off the fairies for awhile. The Jackal was not well versed in its use but he was desperate for relief.
The Jackal sat at his desk and closed his eyes and breathed. He focused on his muddy little paws and how wonderful they felt after a walk. The fairies held their breath. The Jackal’s mind wandered over his body, cataloguing all the little aches and pains he usually ignored. Then a revelation came. The fairies gasped in horror.
Meditation had worked. The problem was embarrassingly clear: the Jackal’s brain was starving. His lack of sleep had depleted what little sugar his brain had had and his meals had not replenished it. His breakfast had been a single slice of toast with chicken salad. His lunch had been half a sub sandwich. There had been enough calories for his body, with plenty of protein and wholesome complex carbs, but no simple sugars. In his tired state, his body wasn’t making enough sugar to supply his brain. The solution was simple. The fairies screamed in protest: Don’t eat that energy bar!
The Jackal ignored the fairies. He consumed an entire Chocolate Sea Salt RX Bar and then wrote this blog post. (RX Bars: Whole Food Protein Bars with Real Ingredients.)
Next time you are visited by the Suicide Fairies, don’t forget to check for low blood sugar!
1: Examples of extracurricular activities include but are not limited to: blogging, reading, and consuming cheese burgers.